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Hello Reader,

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Some of my most interesting coaching sessions center around how to have difficult conversations. We are particularly sensitive to and go out of our way to avoid them. A feedback session where we felt attacked, an end-of-the-year review that gets our hackles up, or a discussion that devolves into an argument - we've all been there. Our reactions run the whole gamut - avoid, delay, justify and deny. And when we do find ourselves in the midst of an uncomfortable conversation, we offer platitudes to soften the blow; pretend to agree even though we know better.

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Why is it so hard to disagree with someone in person? Are we afraid of appearing weak and losing control? Are we so attached to our ideas and opinions that we can't bear the thought that someone might challenge them? Or perhaps we are worried about how we would react when faced with vulnerability - our own and our opponent's. The problem of course is that we cannot avoid the difficult conversations forever. No matter how uncomfortable, they serve the vital purpose of forcing us to question our assumptions and view things from a different perspective. Difficult conversations provide us with the impetus to grow and to change.

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Are you avoiding a conversation with someone for fear of being vulnerable? It's helpful to take an objective viewpoint and ask yourself what role did you play. How did you contribute to the situation? What's the story you are telling yourself? Offer context, instead of dictating terms - "I would like it to be done this way because...". Ask questions, to allow the other person to contribute. Most importantly, be honest and clear in your conversations, without being disrespectful. A feedback session doesn't have to automatically mean conflict. But you are not helping anyone if you are being dishonest or ambiguous because you don't want to have a difficult conversation.

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One of the tools that I rediscovered in my Brené Brown workshop is rumble. According to her, "a rumble is a discussion, conversation, or meeting defined by a commitment to lean into vulnerability, to stay curious and generous, to stick with the messy middle of problem identification and solving, to take a break and circle back when necessary, to be fearless in owning our parts, and, as psychologist Harriet Lerner teaches, to listen with the same passion with which we want to be heard." Try it! Let us know how it went.

As always, you can follow the discussion on our social media channels by clicking on the links below.

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Here's our monthly resource list on VULNERABILITY:

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​Brené Brown on What Vulnerability Isn't - Source: WorkLife with Adam Grant | A TED Original Podcast

Quick Take: "In this conversation, Adam Grant and Brené Brown unpack the power of showing vulnerability at work—and explore how much is too much. Learn when and where to set boundaries, find out how to get more comfortable with being uncomfortable, and hear Brené rethink a key assumption that she took for granted in her own work."

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​How to encourage vulnerability in the workplace while keeping workers safe - Source: The Conversation

Quick Take: "...co-operation requires challenge, confrontation and safety. In a human-centric workplace, all participants are made to feel safe while being active and engaged in their work. Managers need to engender safety because authentic co-operation cannot be faked. We know when we are actually needed. Real co-operation demands all involved parties honor the need to be active while creating value in an open and trusting environment. Everyone listens with the same intensity when others speak, and challenges other participants as appropriate, knowing they are bonded in a shared pursuit."

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​A Physician's Lessons in Vulnerability - Source: The MIT Press Reader

Quick Take: "When faced with uncertainty and ambiguity, physicians are inclined to reach for abstract ideas or point to reams of evidence in the medical literature in search of an answer. What a strange instinct, I’ve always thought: to look for solutions to confusing situations by flying higher and farther away instead of making the necessary movement of descent and asking better questions. There are times when we don’t have answers, when the art of medicine and caring for others, patients and readers, involves practicing a singular type of expertise — a willingness to be a curious, flawed, and vulnerable human."

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​Why Be Vulnerable? - Source: The New York Times

Quick Take: According to Rachel Elizabeth Cargle, a public academic, writer and lecturer, "vulnerability in practice means allowing others to see what you are ashamed of — showing uncomfortable truths ranging from not being able to afford rent to simply feeling lost. In a culture that places an extremely high value on nearly unattainable perfection and likability, these revelations can be quite terrifying. But it can benefit us greatly to let down walls that can often be exhausting to maintain."

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A quick reminder, we are switching to a monthly newsletter. You can expect to hear from us every second Tuesday of the month. If there is a topic that you would like to see featured, please do let us know. And of course, please feel free to share this newsletter with people you know who might find value in it. They can also subscribe to the EQrated by clicking the button below.

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Happy fall! As we move into this last quarter of the year, I hope you will lean into vulnerability and have honest conversations, no matter how difficult.

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Ciao,

Stef